A-Z Bloggers Challenge #8: H
I have, in the past, once in a while, (maybe more often than I’d like) been called a ‘heartless bitch’. In all fairness these comments haven’t come from people who’ve known me terribly well. Actually, they’ve mostly come from blokes that I’ve crushed into the dirt. And ladies, we all know how spiteful a crushed bloke can be.
Nevertheless it’s something to think about. I think it has a lot to do with expectations at the beginning of a relationship and what you’re willing to accept. Actually it’s more to do with what you think is happening vs what is really happening.
Sure, I’ve made mistakes. I have been guilty of messing blokes about. Sometimes this has been through misread signals, blokes who I thought were mates who really wanted more; blokes who were nice/too nice and I got bored; blokes that are complicated or involved with others.
This has never happened through malice, mostly through fear. I don’t like the idea of getting hurt (no one does) so I’ll protect myself in any way I can. I hold back. I won’t tell you every thing. Mr Random Bloke, you do not get to hear all my secrets and stories. You’ll get partials of everything until I’m sure.
I will do the best that I can and I am very aware of how I can behave in certain situations and work hard not to be that way when it matters. (I have a tight circle of mates who are instructed to kick my ass if they see me “doing what I do”)
I think it has a lot to do with a lack of clarity. Let me give you an example:
An ex once told me I was terrible at texting. I was really confused. The conversation went something like this:
I said “But I text to let you know if I’m gonna be late for meeting you cos I’m still at work or what film I’d like to see, and stuff like that.”
And he said “Exactly, you text me functional stuff, not random details about your day, or that you heard a song you like, or what you had for lunch or that you saw something that reminded you of me”
I hadn’t the heart to tell him that I never saw anything that reminded me of him….(heartless? Maybe.)
“You want me to text you what I ate for lunch?”
“Exactly, I wanna know all the little details”
To me this is utterly crazy. Who has time in their working day to detail what they had for lunch and let other people know? (Actually I know now that’s what Twitter and Facebook are for, and those people are so easily blocked if they’re doing your head in.) Anyway my point is that if someone texted all the tiny details of their day to me, it would drive me batshit crazy and I’d more than likely dump them within 10 texts. Someone who texts their partner every 10 minutes sounds like an insecure clinger to me.
But for this bloke, it was what he needed to feel connected and part of something. And if we’d known that at the start, we could have had the conversations to make sure neither of us felt like shit at the end. He felt like shit cos he felt rejected, I felt like shit cos I’d hurt his feelings.
Of course there are very few people who sit down at the beginning of a relationship and discuss their needs.
Sure, a bunch of girls will do it over a glass of wine on a night out…but I don’t see many potential partners doing it, cos it’s not really what falling in love is about. You can’t analyse a fall on the way down. You can’t pre plan the landing. It’s only when you hit rock bottom that you can look around and see what’s what.
As I’ve got older I’ve got clearer about what I want and what I need. Maybe I’ll get clearer about telling those around me too.
* When doing a wee bit of internet snooping for this blog I came across this website. http://www.heartless-bitches.com/heartless/collected_quotes.shtml
I’m not saying I agree with everything here but one of two of these made me laugh out loud…..maybe I am a heartless bitch after all …..
“Once a woman passes a certain point in intelligence, it is almost impossible to get a husband: she simply cannot go on listening [to men] without snickering.” (H.L. Mencken)
“Heartless does not imply “frigid” or “cold”. Rather it means that a strong woman can use her gray matter instead of a pretty shape or blood-filled chamber.” (Carrie Dalton)
“See what happens when you let men into the cabinet?” (Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, after Health and Human Services Secretary Donna Shalala pointed out that the two women were discussing Kosovo policy while, nearby, Housing and Urban Development Secretary Andrew Cuomo was complimenting Agriculture Secretary Dan Glickman on his shoes)